Prayers and Goals

I feel fat and disgusting.  Here I am, normally believing that I must pretend to be what I want to be and it will happen (like The Secret teaches), but I feel I need a dose of reality here.  I have shown zero willpower when it comes to food, exercise, and liquor.  What good is setting goals/promises if I have no willpower to follow through?  Something’s gotta give.

Tonight, I will pray.  I will get on my knees and ask my higher power, whatever that may be, to help me.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I will pray for the courage to wake up early.  I will pray for the strength to pray in the morning.  I will pray for the persistence in seeing my goals through to fruition.

Now, in order for that to happen, I need to actually have goals.  I will write them down.  I will rank them.  I will give myself deadlines.  I will review daily.  I will pray for the drive to move towards them and I will meditate to listen for the answers.

Who am I praying to?  I don’t know.  I don’t know who “God” is.  I don’t know who is listening externally, or if prayer is something that is good for us because we are speaking to something internally:  whether that be a soul or a subconscious mind.  Regardless, if it wasn’t something beneficial, would it have gained such a following over the years?  Clearly this stuff works for some people some of the time.  We may not understand why, but it is sort of like the placebo effect.  There have been cases where a sugar pill has cured certain ailments in some people.  The doctors say, “Oh, that’s just the placebo effect,” totally dismissing the fact that something was actually cured.  It may not have been cured at the same success rate as the actual medical pill, but it was still cured.  That is proof of the power of our minds and bodies.  Just because we don’t understand it, we not only often ignore it, but we refer to it as “Just” the placebo effect.  Just because we don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.  So, some prayers are answered, some are not.  Purely happenstance?  Possibly, possibly not.  The answer doesn’t have to be that there is a God.  The answer could be that the belief in God is beneficial.  The answer could be that praying the correct way is hypnotic and we are placing subliminal messages into our subconscious.  The answer is unknown, but the results are often there.

Funny how, while seeking enlightenment, I had abandoned prayer all together.  I saw the faults in religion and applied them to everything associated with religion.  Suddenly, I’m becoming more spiritual and hopefully more “awake” and I am beginning to see that the basic message of the religions has been exactly what I’m looking for.  Unfortunately, man has stuck his dirty hands in it, and we now have to re-interpret everything.  To dismiss everything associated with my former church would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

I promise to work towards being a good partner, a good employee, a good pet owner, and a good friend.  I promise to pray, meditate, and journal everyday.  I promise to look for the light in everything.



Earning vs Receiving

“I would like to earn an extra $1000 each week.”

I’ve been trying to think of ways to earn more money.  Because of what I’ve been taught, my inclination is to put forth more effort.  This works, to an extent, anyways.  For example, I just started contributing to my 401k and I’m also trying to pay down a good bit of credit card debt.  My solution is to commit to working 3 hours of overtime a week, and to weekly cash in 2 hours of PTO (Paid Time Off) of which I earn 3.5 weekly.  I’m working more and the checks are slightly higher, just higher enough to account for the increase in credit card payments and 401k.  Therefore, my goal is being achieved.

Now, taking home an extra $160/wk is nice (even though part of that means I’m accumulating less vacation time), but how then can I earn $1000 more per week?  There are only so many hours in a day and in order to take home an extra $1000/wk, I’d need to work 5 1/2 hours of overtime EVERY DAY.  Not only would I wear myself out, but my employer would not allow it!  So, what?  Is an extra $1000 out of my reach?  A thousand dollars may seem like a lot of money, but from my perspective, it isn’t HUGE.  It certainly seems do-able.  It’s $52,000/year, which I used to make working part time as a casino dealer.  So, is the answer a higher paying job?  Is the answer a second job?  My mind goes there first because that’s all I really have experience with.  But…

I heard something from Abraham Hicks where they said to replace the word “earn” with the word “receive.”

“I would like to receive an extra $1000 each week.”

Wow.  The way I felt writing that sentence is so much better than the way I felt writing the first sentence of this blog entry.  Saying them both aloud feels different.  There truly is a vibration in every word, and something as simple as changing one word can completely change the vibration of an entire sentence.  Using the word “earn” feels heavy; it feels like a struggle; it feels like work!  On the other side of the stick, using the word “receive” feels light; it feels relaxing; it feels flowing; it feels easy.

I feel good about this so far.  I’ve gotten specific.  Up to this point, I was saying I want to make more money.  Now, I’m saying I want to receive an extra $1000 each week.  I’ve gone (1) more comfortable, (2) more specific, (3) less negative.  So, I’m thinking the trick now is to listen.  Listen to my Source, listen to my heart, listen to Divine Inspiration.  I started this paragraph with the intent on writing: “I will pray for what I want, then meditate to listen for the answer.”  However, by the time I got past the second sentence, inspiration came.  It’s nothing new.  It’s actually something that I considered years ago, started, and let fall to the wayside.  Yet, that came into my head as I was typing.  Perhaps for me, writing (since it is something I love to do) may be a form of meditation.  I know that I feel on another plane spiritually when the words are really rolling, much like an artist with a canvas or a skater on the ice.  And, the inspiration I received just now was to write more.  Write.  Write what I know.  Write what I love.  Why did I ever stop?  It feels so good!  I don’t have a plan on how to make the extra $1000, but in my writing about it, I felt I should write more.  I feel like the answer is there (a novel?  an e-book?).

“Follow your bliss.” — Joseph Campbell


Feeling Guilty, Being Selfish…

I’ve been struggling with some financial woes that are the debris of a previous relationship.  After much meditation and thought, I have come to this:

I forgive all that has been done.  Perhaps “forgive” may be the wrong word.  It implies that something was done to me.  Was it?

Am I a victim?  And if I am, who am I a victim of?  Is my ex guilty for being selfish?  Am I guilty for putting myself in that position?  It’s not like I didn’t know what kind of person he was.  Now, this brings up tow more questions:  (1) Is guilt relevant?  (2) Is selfish bad?


What is guilt?  The dictionary says it is the fact or state of having committed an offense (particularly moral) or a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, whether real or imagined.

Clearly, guilt exists, but is it mine to assign?  Isn’t the determination of guilt only useful if all parties agree?  From my perspective, my ex agreed to pay for the car that he wanted; he had the means to do it, but repeatedly gambled it away (this I witnessed as an employee at the casino).  Eventually, this past summer, the car was repossessed and that is on my credit report now.  As primary on the car, they are coming after me.  On top of that, I still am paying on ALL of the credit cards that we ran up due to his gambling.  So now I’m on the hook for everything.  Is he guilty?  Is there a concrete answer here, or is guilt just a description of a particular point of view on a particular subject?  Okay, so, going that route, his guilt is my opinion of the situation.  And, I don’t know his opinion because I’ve blocked all forms of communication in response to many of his “attempts” at talking, which only angered or depressed me every time.  I know he has no intention of paying, as he’s made that clear.  But, his opinion doesn’t matter anyway.  My emotions are internal and would it change anything to know that he feels just as guilty as I think he should?  There may be some temporary superficial satisfaction, but my situation doesn’t change.  The anger that boils in me due to his perceived guilt only does me harm, and the others around me suffer along with me.  It does not make anything better, and my ego may think that blaming him puts me on a higher plane, but in reality, it holds him close.  Time to let go of the blame…

“I hereby forgive my ex for leaving me in the financial condition that he left me in.”


The dictionary defines selfish as caring only about one’s self interest.

Is there anything we do that is not selfish?  Are we not inherently selfish beings?  Aren’t charitable donation, even if done to help others, done because it makes us feel good about helping others, because we feel good when giving?

Am I not, in essence, saying to my ex, “How dare you be so selfish as to take the actions that are pleasing to you when those actions are hurting me!  You should be taking the actions that please me.  Stop what you are doing, and make me feel better!”

What he has really done here is gone against my definition of integrity.  I believe that most would agree, so it makes it very easy to have a pow wow with friends while we point out his “wrong doings.”  But, the truth is, just as I have no right to assign guilt based on my perspective, I have no right to enforce my definition of integrity on someone else.

If a leader were to do this to his people, we’d call him a dictator.  When politicians want to create laws to prevent certain types of marriages, we call them bigots.  When someone close to us agrees with us about who does not have integrity, about what someone shouldn’t do, about legal recourse to try and force others to behave in a certain way, we call them friends. All of us, no matter what walk of life, want everyone to do what we think is right.

Perhaps we can divide the definition of selfish in two:  (1) doing things to please oneself and (2) forcing others to do things to please oneself.

Not only is the second definition exactly what the dictator, politician, and friend are doing, but it is a black hole – a constant uphill battle that can never be won.  The only thing we can really do here is to identify people who do this and minimize contact.  We must watch actions, listen to words, and be aware of motives, as it is not likely that they will label themselves this way.  My mistake with my ex was that I saw how he was definition #2, but I ignored my observations because I wanted it to work.  Maya Angelou once said, “When people tell you who they are, believe them.”

This leads me to my second declaration of the day.

“I vow, from here on out, to never try to change anyone again.  People are who they are.  I am not their judge, juror, or executioner.  I will believe my eyes and ears and gut, and welcome into my life all those selfish beings out there who are selfish with no detriment to others.”

The Vibrations of Food

I recently, in my listening to podcasts and browsing through Amazon Prime, came across a few things about veganism.  At one time, I was vegetarian (eggs and dairy allowed) for almost two years and more recently had adopted pescetarianism (eggs, dairy, and seafood) as an attempt at a healthier lifestyle.  However, I watched the documentary “Forks Over Knives” and was just amazed at how much dairy products can harm our bodies.  I downloaded some podcasts called “Vegetarian Food for Thought”, and the woman who runs the podcast (Colleen) talked about how she used to eat dairy as well. But, she no longer does because she made some connections that she hadn’t earlier considered. For example, in order for cows to produce milk, they need to be kept pregnant. Seems obvious, I know, but it wasn’t to me (or her) at first. These calves that the cow has, who will be taken from her immediately, will either become dairy cows (if they are female) or sold as veal (if male) to be tied down in a crate so it can’t develop its muscles, and slaughtered at around 6 months old. On top of that, the females that are being milked 24/7 and not allowed to lie down (ever!) have about a 20-25 year life expectancy. But, once their body is exhausted and doesn’t provide enough milk at about 4-5 years, they are then sent to slaughter as well. In fact, most of the meats you see in groceries are former dairy cows. So one can’t, in essence, support the dairy market without supporting the meat market. The veal market, especially, was born out of the dairy market looking for something to do with all the males. For a vegetarian like me, whose main purpose of choosing vegetarian was to avoid the guilt of animal cruelty, this really hit hard. So, as of this last week, I am aiming for vegan. There have been some hiccups, but for the most part, moderate success. I’ve even lost four pounds already, and my mood is very up. I’m sleeping well and waking up well (that is rare). It is very difficult to kick some old habits, and I obviously need to work on my self discipline. It got me to thinking about the vibration of our food.

Abraham Hicks has said on more than one occasion that someone who eats a candy bar with guilt and someone who eats a candy bar with enjoyment will trigger different bodily responses to the candy. You can essentially change the vibration of your food and make it better or worse for you.

Think of it like this. Everything (on a sub-particle level) is vibration; we KNOW this. Our consciousness is basically swimming in a vast ocean of vibration waves, including the ones that make up our physical bodies. Just like in an ocean of water, as waves bash against one another from different directions, the resulting wave or waves is different than the original two. But here is how our experience differs from water waves crashing together. WE ARE CONSCIOUS, THUS WE CHOOSE WHICH WAVES TO CREATE. The candy bar does not think; it can not change what it is. It is a rogue wave on the ocean that will only change in response to what hits it. We, on the other hand, can create vibration around us. We are always doing this, but most people do not choose their vibration. They allow their environment to do it for them. So, we can emit powerful positive vibrations and literally change the vibration of things around us. This has been PROVEN. There is an amazing study on how the chemical makeup of water was changed by thought. I’ve even heard that this concept is the original basis behind ‘blessing’ your food. It stands to reason that if the food is already on a higher vibration (i.e. one closer to ours when we are happy), then it is easier to bring it even closer, rather than trying to make something unhealthy up to our best vibration. It would be like merging two waves heading in opposite directions vs merging two that were heading to the beach from slightly different angles. In fact, if we simply respond to the food’s vibration, then we are basically forfeiting our power to choose our thoughts and we bring our vibration down just as much as we bring the candy up.

Let’s take this into account with animal products. When a cow, for example, is slaughtered, she isn’t gently put to sleep as the life leaves her. She is slaughtered. Even if it is quick, it is terrifying. We have measured the “fear” chemical that their bodies release, and that chemical is still there when we harvest the meat. That cow, which
is more like us than a candy bar is, has used its power of thought when it was being killed and the fear changed the meat. We then eat this meat. Is it really any wonder that our bodies are so tense? that stress is such a major problem today? that many live in this flight or fight state of mind? We are ingesting fear! The cows that are being milked may not be frightened, but you can bet they are uncomfortable and miserable. And just like the water experiment mentioned above, you can bet this affects the milk! And what are we doing? Ingesting the vibration of that milk.

We can, like I said, “bless” the animal products and bring them closer to perfect just as that experiment did with water, but that is a lot to overcome. Not only are we having to overcome the vibration of the food because of where it came from, but we also have to deal with the knowledge and possible guilt that we may have once you understand how that food ended up in your plate. And obviously, guilt is not a positive vibration. So once you know this stuff, you can’t UN-know it.

I’m almost afraid to research how shrimp and fish are harvested. Once I know this, there is no turning back. On the positive side, knowledge is power and I wouldn’t have found these answers had I not been asking the questions vibrationally. Clearly, I am, as we all are, on the right track to what I have been asking for.


I’ve read or listened to so much of Abraham Hicks and Bashar and Napoleon Hill and Bob Proctor, that I forget where I’ve learned some of the methods I’ve learned.  But, somewhere in that mix (I think it was Abraham Hicks on YouTube), there was the suggestion to pick an everday item to help your guide contact you.  This has worked for me before.  I once chose a Cardinal, simply because it is a beautiful bird and I know that I heard Abraham say that birds were very quick to respond to vibration.  I remember thinking when I chose this – “Gee, when’s the last time I saw a Cardinal?  Maybe I should pick something else.”  But I didn’t change my choice.  This was kind of a test that I really wanted the Universe to pass.  Within two weeks, I saw a Cardinal in my neighborhood, somewhere that I’d never seen one.  My best friend told someone a story in front of me about a Cardinal flying in front of his car.  And then, I sat down for lunch at a new Mexican restaurant nowhere near my home that had all of these paintings covering the wall.  One of the biggest paintings in the place was of a giant Cardinal.  Each time that I saw or heard someone talk about a Cardinal, I smiled.  All three of those occasions happened when I was feeling really good.  I felt like it was my spirit guide telling me that I was on the right path. 

Then, I got away from it all.  I stopped thinking about it and got more involved in the humdrum of the days.  I stopped reading my materials, stopped meditating, stopped listening to Abraham clips, stopped blogging.  In that short few weeks, some decisions were made in haste, despite what my gut told me.  I even texted my partner, as I was quitting my job, “My stomach is in knots.  If it feels like this, maybe I shouldn’t be doing it.”  But I did it anyway.  The new path I was anxious about, the one that was going to get me out of debt quick and cure all my ills… fell through.  The verbal promise that the work would be available for me was rescinded, and I was left with no job, and the jobs I had just quit with short notice would not accept me back.  So, I turned back to my spirituality.  It’s so easy to do when there’s nothing left to grasp on to.  I thought about the experience I had with the Cardinals and I decided to do it again:  “Guides, when I notice the Moon, I will know that I’m on the right path.”  Granted, it’s always up there in the sky, but how often do I actually stop to notice it?

The first time it came up was in an audio clip by Bob Proctor.  He talked about a couple he knew that started a company and used the Moon as their logo.  It caught my attention and my ears perked up (as this stuff is often just playing in the background while I do things around the house or drive).  He went on to talk about Raymond Holliwell, which reminded me of the book “Working with the Law”, by Holliwell.  The book is an amazing guide to understanding how the Spiritual Laws work within our lives.  It’s easy to read, and I used to read it all the time, but I’d gotten away from it.  It’s next to my bed again now.  Then, my partner and I went to do some training for this job (that eventually fell through) in a different state.  I saw the moon and it looked like a big smile in the sky.  I called him (we were in separate vehicles) and told him to look at the moon.  I said, “Do you think that was the inspiration when Hans Christian Andersen wrote about the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland?”  “What a coincidence!” he said, “I’m actually listening to a podcast about Hans Christian Andersen.  But, Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland.”  Was I picking up his thoughts?  I had no idea he was listening to that, or that he had even downloaded it.  That’s for another blog post.  But, had I not seen the moon, thought of Hans, and called my partner, I would never have knows that I was picking up his thoughts.  It was almost like my guide bringing this ability to my attention.  The last one was in a movie that I wouldn’t have seen, but my boyfriend wanted to see it – “Rise of the Guardians“.  The Moon takes on some sort of all-knowing role in the movie, and the last line of the movie is, “When the Man in the Moon tells you something, you better listen.”  How crazy is that?  Here I am watching this children’s movie that I would never have gone to of my own volition, and I almost broke down in tears with that line. 

Anyways, it has all made me a believer, though I like to think I already was one.  It’s also helped me to realize that no matter what path I’m on, it is the right one.  “You can’t get it wrong, and you will never get it done” – Abraham.  No matter what my choices are – stay in my job, quit my job, take a chance, don’t take a chance – none of it matters.  The only thing that matters is appreciating where I am now.  Regretting the past does nothing, dreading the future is certainly no help, and no matter where I stand, there’s always the option to take a step in the direction of what feels right.

So as I sit here, about to return to my job hunt, I will remember:  Jobs have always come to me easily, on unexpected terms, and at the right time.  I am not worried.  I will continue to put myself out there and something will come my way.  As long as I am happy where I am, what else matters?

The Perfect Teammate

One of the most interesting things about the Law of Attraction for me is that our point of attraction is basically the combination of this physical body’s vibration and the vibration of our nonphysical self.  We are, I believe, one in the same, both existing at the same time… as one.  Abraham Hicks says this, and I’ve heard it from other sources as well.  We focus ourselves into this physical time and space so that we can experience contrast and expand through learning more about who we are what we want.  But just because we focus part of ourselves here doesn’t mean that we still don’t exist in the non-physical.  Our soul is eternal and knows no physical space.  Technically, says Kevin R. Bean, “We are not bodies with souls.  But souls with bodies.”  We are but a single entity and it is that entity that is doing the attracting.  As we focus into these physical bodies, the flesh can and will influence the vibration of the whole being.  It’s sometimes easier for my brain to think of it as two entities (temporarily) and that my point of attraction is the mid-point of the point of attraction of both my physical and that of my true-self, the non-physical.  

There is a sense of relief in this belief.  It’s like having the perfect teammate in life:  Me!  There is one member of the team making no mistakes, never attracting bad, always loving life and loving the self.  Then, there is the physical team member, sometimes focusing on the bad, sometimes hating himself, sometimes focusing on the negative.  I used to worry about the damage I’d done to my point of attraction when I had bouts of depression, or guilt, or anger.  I would worry about the future and the things I had set into motion to be manifested in my life.  But when I think of myself as a team with one perfect member, it cuts the damage in half.  I can focus 100% on how terrible of a friend I have been to someone, and that does affect my point of attraction, but then I realize that my teammate was focusing on how wonderful I am and that also affected my point of attraction.  I’ve only done half the damage I thought I did!  And that gives me hope.  It gives me hope for my personal happiness, my relationships, my finances.  It gives me hope for the human race, and the economy, and the world at large.  We can NEVER be so far down that we will only attract bad things, because no matter what, our perfect teammates are focusing on the truth.

Linda Hamilton, the Assassin

I feel like I’ve fallen off the horse for a while when it comes to really centering myself and meditating.  I find myself fighting life and circumstances instead of just enjoying the journey.  But there’s been several instances lately that were just too coincidental to be coincidental, you know what I mean?  I don’t know what they mean, or if they “mean” anything.  I think sometimes we try to put meaning behind something in the universe as if there’s a higher power trying to tell us something, when in reality, it’s just the Law of Attraction in action.  We are that higher power.  We send out the vibrations at the frequency that we choose (usually unconciously, of course), and the universe responds.

For example, my boyfriend and I, both movie buffs, talk about movies and actors a lot.  I mean, a lot.  He is ridiculously up to date on pop culture, as I was ten years ago.  So, he keeps me up to date on what’s happening today, and I let him know what he missed in the 80s and early 90s.  The other day we were talking about possible Halloween costumes that we could wear and it was jokingly thrown out that we could go as Beauty and the Beast (I’m not sure who would play the Beast).  I asked, “Disney Beauty and the Beast or Linda Hamilton Beauty and the Beast.”  “Disney, of course,” was his response.  This led to some nostalgia for the beautiful Linda Hamilton and I told him that one of my favorite and rarely talked about horror/thriller movies from when I was a kid was “T.A.G. – The Assassination Game” with Linda Hamilton.  It was about a college campus where you could sign up to play Assassin and you’d have a dart gun and a target.  If you shot your target, then their target became yours, and so on, until two people were left for the big finale.  In the movie, things get deadly, but that’s not my point.  It’s the next day that matters…

The next day, I downloaded some horror movie podcasts to listen to at work and my boyfriend, a teacher, went to work as usual.  My podcast (Bloody-Good Horror) was talking about their weekend at Horror Hound, a horror convention, and how much fun they had, and how they met… yes, Linda Hamilton.  They also mentioned that she was macking on all the hot ladies there.  Interesting.  But back to the Law of Attraction.  How random is that!  Sure she’s been in a total fan-boy movie, but she’s not exactly current.  I can’t remember the last thing she did.  And yet, I was inspired to download that Podcast!  Then, this is where it gets crazy.  My boyfriend texted me to say that someone started up a game of Assassin at his school amongst the teachers — TOO much of a coincidence for that to be a coincidence.  By the way, they used rubber toys instead of guns, in case you were horrified at teachers pretending to shoot eachother with toy guns.

So, I look at moments like this and I think, “what is the universe trying to tell me?”  And then I realized something:  Nothing.  The universe isn’t trying to tell me anything.  I put the Linda Hamilton Assassination vibe out there, my enthusiasm for the old movie cause my boyfriend’s vibration to temporarily be influenced, and he became a match to it.  And then, both of us experience the return of the Linda Hamilton Assassination vibration in our lives within less than a day.

I need to start doing this stuff on purpose!  But what’s the catch?  Why does it work so well when you’re not trying to do it?  I think it’s because when you’re “trying” to do it, “trying”, by it’s very nature, implies fighting resistance, and therefore resistance is created.  It’s the “letting” that works, not the “trying.”

How do I tell myself what to do here?  I want to say things like – “Stop trying” or “Meditate more.”  But both feel resistant.  The word “stop” puts my vibration in a wierd place and the “meditate more” makes it feel like homework.  I’m gonna try this and see how it works:  “Meditate when I want to; try when trying feels better than not trying; appreciate everything.”